Some things I have learned as a host mom:
MOST AU PAIRS, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE …
- Rise to the level of your expectations.
LOOKING FOR AN AU PAIR IS KIND OF LIKE LOOKING FOR A SPOUSE …
- It’s not about who is the best, it’s about who is right for you. Choose someone you want to live with every day.
DON’T BLAME YOUR AU PAIR IF …
- You give her poor instructions and she completes them as you asked.
- She can’t distinguish between 27 types of cereal at the grocery store.
- She likes to eat “strange” foods at “odd” times.
- After a few days with you, she needs instructions three times to drive to a place that’s only a mile away.
- After a few months with you, she asks to borrow your car to drive to the outlet malls an hour away (and already knows how to get there).
- She can’t understand you when you don’t finish your sentences.
- She has too many (or not enough) friends for your taste.
- The kids accidentally call you by her name.
YOU KNOW IT’S GOING WELL WHEN …
- She calls your children her kids.
- She calls your house her home.
THE BEST MATCHES BETWEEN HOST FAMILY AND AU PAIR …
- Start with knowledge, self-awareness and an open mind and heart on both sides of the match.
- Build through a great year based on trust, allegiance and mutual understanding.
- Never truly end.
To submit your own host mom wisdom, send an email to Au Pair with Flair or simply leave a comment below.
Perfectly written again, Anne Marie. It is indeed as if you pick a substitute parent for your kids and some kind of husband for yourself. You have to get along with her for such a long time and that is a lot f give and take stuff,
Love the way you set it all… of course that if u stop to think for a few days about this subject you will find a loooot of other little things that make difference and is kinde of funny too.
I can help you out… i will start to write it down and list it all!!That will be fun .
besos
Thanks for your comments, Ellen and Paula. I love hearing from you and getting the feedback!
I agree, it’s really fun to think about this topic. I have learned so much in the past five years about au pairs, my family and myself. My intention with this blog is to provide a forum where we can learn even more from each other.
Take care!
As someone whose kids had au pairs for years–but the last one was over a decade ago–I also have a bit of advice: if it appears that it won’t work, no matter how much you try or how much goodwill you try to create, then end the relationship, particularly if the goodwill doesn’t seem reciprocated. Keep the regional supervisor apprised of any perceived or real difficulties, or write them down, so that if push comes to shove, you have “evidence” and you don’t feel you have to keep someone that for one reason or another isn’t working well for you and your children simply because you’re afraid of upheaval or of breaking in someone new. Ongoing angst isn’t worth it, either. While we had several very successful placements, we had one au pair who clearly was in the US only because of a complex relationship with a very wealthy boyfriend who called the shots–charm and a strong application didn’t hide a fairly self-serving agenda in the end. While it’s important to do everything you can to make things work, goodwill on both sides is the foundational piece. Don’t be afraid to trust your instincts!
Deb, you are so right. Trusting your gut is critical and cannot be overemphasized, whether with au pairs or any other relationship in life!
All is true! Anne Marie I think the most important thing is when you addopt that family as yours, when you feel part of them and when they trait you with respect because you deserve it like that!
Well said, Maggie.
“LOOKING FOR AN AU PAIR IS KIND OF LIKE LOOKING FOR A SPOUSE …
It’s not about who is the best, it’s about who is right for you. Choose someone you want to live with every day.”
Hahaha, this was same for me…especially when i had been waiting for you guys to pick me up… i had that kind of feeling i have to merry someone, i don’t even know how he looks…believe me I almost get heart attack,… hahaha …thanks God i survived that
What would you have done if you didn’t like us? Pretend you were someone else!!??
I can just imagine standing there calling out your name when we came to pick you up from orientation, while you are ignoring us the whole time!
Hahahaha…I don’t wanna think about it..I couldn’t pretend that i’m someone else,because i couldn’t stay in Holiday Inn anymore
i didn’t have a choice 
by the way, you would recognize me there,.. i know that for sure 
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I love it. How about a paragraph about “you know its not going well if”….
Hey thanks, I will think about that! Here are a few things, for example, that could go wrong:
after a few months your au pair still can’t find her way to the grocery store, your kid’s school, etc.;
you are never sure when you speak to her if she actually understood what you said (whether or not her own English sounds fluent);
she’s fixated on money and how she thinks she’s not earning enough, meanwhile putting the minimum effort into the job;
most of her day that she’s not working she’s spending time talking to friends from home rather than making new ones;
she hides in her room for the whole weekend rather than spending time with the family or going out to give you any “breathing room” in your home;
she’s sick, or appears to be, and you can’t tell if it’s real sickness, homesickness, something else or simply a ruse;
your kids keep missing your prior au pair rather than bonding with the new one….
Here’s the thing about au pairs, which is probably true about most in-home caregiving –
like that old cliche about the girl with the curl, when it is going well, it can go very, very well, and when it is bad, it is horrid.
I agree with every word!
Are you going to continue your blog? I just found it when you stopped with au pairs, now I wish I have been an active reader all along.
We are an experienced host family, but still I haven’t found a foolproof way to guarantee a successful experience – or rather a foolproof way to get a great match outright. Just as I thought I have figured it out, our recent rematch blindsided me and took me by suprise. But it added another criterion to my matching madness to try to prevent this latest variation of a disaster.
Hoping now for a smooth sailing with our newest au pair…
Adding more comments here, because I don’t have the time to put up another post and thoughts occurred to me, so these are not directed to Ann but just in general —
The thing with au pairs is that they are just like everyone else. Imagine you had an employee at an office. What do you expect? That they understand their job, are conscientious, reliable, etc. That they work up to their potential but don’t try to take on more than they can handle. That they don’t try to “manage up” by telling you how to do your job…. Au pairs are not office employees, of course, but some of the skills are transferrable. I think our most successful au pairs were good project managers. The projects, of course, are the kids’ lives (not the kids themselves). Au pairs get all the essential pieces in the right place to help things run smoothly, so that the family can have the most efficiency and the least stress. It doesn’t mean they are “efficiency experts”, but it does mean that they are thoughtfully and actively working to make your own job (as parent) easier. If you have an au pair like that, it doesn’t matter that once in a while she forgets to …. or screws up the …. Just like any other employee. But if your au pair doesn’t seem to get it or doesn’t care, then the little things like forgetting to do the laundry so the kids don’t have their swimsuits for camp or telling you about the engine light being on in the car (that she uses) just as you’re ready to leave for vacation take on a significance that would seem out of proportion if you tried to explain to someone else why “your au pair is driving you crazy” and why you suspect that she’s taking advantage of you. I think many families get disgruntled because they don’t nip problems in the bud but instead let them fester. If an au pair really isn’t working out, you need to make a change. If she is, but you are still unhappy, then you also need to make a change – just don’t blame the au pair!