I almost quit having au pairs, and I almost quit writing about them on this blog. It’s hard to explain why – there’s actually a complicated web of reasons – but here’s one point worth taking away: I feel guilty sometimes for having an au pair.
Why? Well, in part because I didn’t grow up in the type of environment in which families had or could even afford au pairs. I had a part-time babysitter as a young child, but that is because my mom (as a single mother for some years) had no other choice. Since I ostensibly do have a choice – my husband has a steady job, and if we lived in a condo or smaller house and made a few other lifestyle changes, we could make it work on one income – it seems extravagant to rely on this other adult to get us through the day and week. In the back of my head is a nagging voice telling me that I am a bit spoiled for having the help that I do, that other parents make it work without a live-in and at much less expense, so why can’t I? On occasion, that voice gets louder. Sometimes, it gets so loud that it drowns out the voice of reason.
In my case, the voice of reason says this: I have been a lawyer for almost ten years now, and I worked very hard to get myself here. I can’t call in sick when my child is sick, other than 1-2 days a year or if there was a very serious illness. This is just the reality of my profession (as practiced in my industry in this part of the country, at the very least). I can’t get home in time to tend to the kids’ laundry during the week, without pushing myself to the point of exhaustion, and very often it can’t wait until the weekends (especially during summer camp, where they swim every day). I work a good number of hours at levels of intense concentration, so when I actually am home I want to spend times doing fun things like riding bikes or reading books, not tending to “tasks” that invariably need to get done. At the same time, my husband travels for work, so as egalitarian as he may be – and he surely is – we are not carrying an equal load on the childcare front. So why not have someone help me?
The same voice of reason tells me that I am happier when I am able to be present in the moment while I am home, rather than constantly needing to catch up with things that seem to multiply with no warning. Therefore, I can put the money I earn in the bank, so that I could have an early retirement or rainy day fund, or I can save my sanity by bringing more enjoyment into the present day. What I am very clearly getting more than anything, by hiring an au pair, is time. I am getting the downtime with family of which I spoke earlier this week, instead of being quite so stuck in the whirlwind of the working-mom-balancing-act. (I haven’t managed to avoid it completely….) I am getting breath-catching time. And finally, I am getting a few weekly hours of free-to-be-me time. How revolutionary, soulful and rejuvenating, if only I could get the occasional guilt trips about it to cease.
Also, because I am a lawyer, I know two other things are true: (1) that I am risk adverse and (2) how long a six-minute increment takes.
First, about being risk adverse. Although there are certainly days that I dream as we all do about quitting my job, in my case either to make a stab at a writing profession or simply be a stay-at-home mom, realistically we are not financially ready to make that commitment/cut/move right now. The economy isn’t great, and my husband was part of the layoffs at Citibank back in 2007, right before the market crash. Who is to say that it could never happen again, even if he feels secure in his job at the moment? Why put pressure on him and our family to expect him to be the sole breadwinner, which could in turn put a strain on our marriage?
At the same time, I actually enjoy the type of work that I do, and I know that the grass-is-greener syndrome is not simply a cliché. As much as having an au pair cuts into my after-tax income, the flexibility and constancy of having a childcare provider available full-time (for more hours than I usually need, with a “cushion” on each end of the day) means that I can continue to perform at a high level at my job. That, in turn, means my children’s futures are more secure. It comes at a cost, but the ends justify the means.
Additionally, if you know anything about executive-level careers, especially law, you probably know that once you get out for a few years, you often seriously nix if not completely sabotage your earning potential. Once again, I preface this by saying that I enjoy legal work, at least most days! The trade offs may be very different if I didn’t.
Second (and lastly), the idea – heard from others and floating around my own head on occasion – that I would not need an au pair or similar help if I were simply more efficient is a fallacy. For almost five years at the law firm, I had to account for each six-minute increment of my time. I know how much time it takes to do each of the various things that I am able to avoid doing because I have an au pair, even simple things. Not needing to run through the house in the morning turning off all of the lights: 30 seconds. Not needing to pack lunches: 4-6 minutes. Not needing to clean up the milk that spilled: 1-2 minutes. Not needing to clean the pan after the eggs stuck to it: 2-4 minutes, depending on how stuck they actually got. Etc. Ad infinitum. The minutes saved are more minutes I am able to sleep, spend with my kids or do something else.
So as much as I feel guilty sometimes for having an au pair or similar help – and very nearly talked myself out of it – our au pairs are an integral and necessary component of our daily lives in this family. They are with us to stay, or at least until the end of next year!
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P.S. I realize that I sound different on this post than my usual blogger self. This is the other side of me – a more calculated, less emotional side – the face that I wear more at the office than in my writing. Yet it is an integral part of my “au pair story”, and hopefully it is helpful to more than one reader to hear it.
